dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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