one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
