I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
