watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
