I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
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Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
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I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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