Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
