I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm too high and old for this...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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