She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
