i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
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