how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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