she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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