While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Floor bacon is actually really good
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
