My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
