And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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