if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
