Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
it hurts more in the daytime
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
