My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
