Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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