You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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