I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
