You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
