If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
