wanna go halves on a baby?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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