I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
