people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
