No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
