you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
