i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
