Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
