a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
