I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize