does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
