i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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