i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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