We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
