I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
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Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
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We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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