three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
