does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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