I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
