Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Acid is not a monday night drug
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
there is puke in my bra ... again
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