Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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