life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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