He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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