Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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