I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
