I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
