All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
