my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Randomize
