Can i not drive my cunt home
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
