Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize