ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
How does it feel to date your dad?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My vagina is very pro this idea
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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