My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
