You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
