What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize