I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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