he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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