The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
