Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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