meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
